10.12.09

One of my special quality is being overly sensitive. This quality is much more of curse than a positive thing. This characteristic is manifested mostly in what movies I can watch. ALso it seems like a weekly thing that I will freak out at a family member or in front of my family. It seems that I am reverting instead of becoming more in control of my feelings. I have the terrible combination of being extremely sensitive and having a hot temper. SO when someone makes me upset they feel bad because I'm crying. I hate it that when I do something bad that other people feel guilty because I'm crying and they're not. Crying can be an annoying way of baiting people. I hate the way I make my family feel and that I'm such a lose cannon. They always have to tiptoe around me and I wish I could just control it better. Its really interesting, as well as sweet to see the way they try to help me. All my siblings even the ones 8 years my minor understand and watch out for me, when a movie is scary or a graphic part is about to appear they warn me, and I trust them. Its really embarrassing to be an adult but have childlike problems. This has been a problem all my life. As a young child I was always "scared" of EVERYTHING. My mom said that she thought it was just a phase and that I would grow out of it. Earlier this year I had and odd hormonal shift? This made me feel extremely sensitive, grouchy and depressed. I've gotten out of that funk but I realize that I'm never going to be like other people my age.

Like I said the biggest difference is I cant watch most movies. Here are the things that reallyreally get to me.

Animal Violence
Mass Chaos
War/ Large scale violence
Most Violence ( I can handle watching fair one on one fights, but if its unfair I don't like it)
Extreme yelling/crying (The WORST)
Children being abused
End of the World Plots

When I write that things "get to me" I don't mean Im uncomfortable in my seat. What happens is that I get really upset, my brain and emotions become confused with what I'm seeing. Then I begin covering my ears and then closing my eyes and curling in ball, because its too much. My brain begins to ring and I start crying uncontrollably. It takes awhile for me to be able to stop and catch my breath and slowdown my brain. This has happened on several occasions. Sometimes during kids movies like HOLES, when MaryLou the mule gets killed. I've seen that movie a million times. Last time I watched it I cried for 10m and it freaked out my whole family. My parents thought someone had done something to me, or that we were at least watching something mildly scary, nope just HOLES. It was one of the first times as an adult that they saw me get that upset at a movie. Then I also lost it during UP when Dug the dog gets thrown by the other dogs, yea... I only got threw the first 10m of the movie, THE HOST. I really wanted and still want to see that movie. It was really terrifying to me and we had to turn it off. I just cant help it, and I never know when I will get upset. I can watch something scary and be fine but sometimes my brain switch flips and 10m later I'm still trying to get control of myself.

I'm writing this as an attempt to try to understand myself better. Im trying to deal with myself and let my family know its not their fault and that they don't have to be sorry. I want them to have fun without worrying about me. I'm trying to make the right steps towards controlling my emotions.

Is that even possible?

M.E.T.