Yes. I'm getting married.
Truthfully it was only a matter of time until Greg and I tied the knot. From the first month we dated I was like, yup I'm going to marry this jerk, guy. I think I felt that way because from the beginning I could see there would never be a better suited partner. I'm sure most people in good relationships feel the same way where their partner fills their wedge issues. With Greg I felt a completion I thought to be unique. The very "second half" people joke about.
I was experiencing classic cold feet. I wrote a giant post about it and then I deleted it. The things that were worrying me cleared up when I realized that the reason I know he is the one is that those sentiments will never be an issue. Case closed, happy as a clam.
M.E.T
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Era Ends.
Well...
Although I have alot of negative qualities I really think of myself as a softie. I've written about different occasions or types of situations that I fall apart. Growing up I've learned alot about my sensitive nature. Its the empathy that really sets me apart from other sensitive people. It makes me upset that so many people go through hard situations that could have been prevented. A strange thing has occurred the more I learn about the correct way to treat people the farther apart I get from my LDS upbringings. Its almost as if my ability to be empathetic makes it so that new doctrine doesn't make sense. Its like Im not tough enough to be that mean. Isn't that odd?
Of course these thoughts are coming from the most recent General Conference. Twice a year I buckle down and try with all my might to get through this event. For the last 2 years its become increasingly difficult. Ive tried SO much to be part of this group. Mostly because the sentiment is "Either your with us or you against us. If you aren't it means you dont want to be with your family for eternity". AND I DO! I really really do want to be with my family FOREVER. This has been my ongoing problem. I love my family and I would do almost anything for them, but would I hate without reason? Would I support young children being mistreated from there parents because of their unique nature? Could I be happy knowing somewhere out there someone is hurting and never going to be with their family and I'm supporting that? Well no I really cannot do that.
Guilt has been a very large part of my life. Its plagued my teenage and adult life. Its sentiments like the one above that have always burdened me. If you watch a R-rated movie you can forget eternal life with you mother. If you hang out with those kids eventually you will swear that leads to drinking which leads to drugs and then no eternal life with your 5 siblings. Its weighed on me and I always felt I wasn't good enough to deserve my family.
Im afraid that my siblings will hate me when they return from their missions. I feel like they will think I didn't try hard enough. That I gave up on eternal life with them. I dont know how I will let them know how I feel. I am most worried for my brother who is just about to return. He has talked about trying to convert my older sister. I'm really upset that he wont accept us. Its like LDS people want everyone to be open minded about them but wont do the same for others. Ive missed him alot and send him packages at least once a month. Now I just dont know whats going to happen.
The problem is that I want to treat people with respect and love. No matter their race and lifestyle. I dont think people are less because of color or who they love. I dont think that it makes people a monster. And like the way I didn't choose which race I was going to be most people dont make the choice to be gay. I have known some flip-floppers but most dont choose. I hate the phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin." No. NONONONONO! Its so wrong! I am no longer going to feel guilty for god like love for "sinners". Im not going to feel guilty for being happy. Im not going to cry because I feel like a slut for wearing a tank top. Those things are very over. I dont want some teenager out there to feel the guilt I did for who they are. I dont want their parents to follow the words said yesterday. I dont want these kids to be thought as monsters and treated so.
I love going to church. I love my other Latin people. It makes sense why we are all there. We all need each other and we will all help one another. I do believe in alot of the principles of the LDS church like service, independence, preparation, God head, Joseph Smith, Word of Wisdom, the Book of Mormon is ok. I feel its a good thing to follow it makes sense. Beyond that I have problems. I just think man is naturally bad. Even if the church was correct from inception, from the point man had it, its been imperfect. This will sound terrible but as soon as more privileged people are introduced it falls apart for me. Even with revelation from God I have a hard time believing a old Caucasian male knows whats best for me. Or that his basis dont get in the way. And that is probably the most controversial statement in this whole thing. I do believe my ward bishop knows what we need. He knows where we are all coming from, he knows our struggles.
Recently my very best friend in the whole world, Thomas moved to Australia. Thomas is also from a LDS upbringings but came out of the closet before we met. I've seen him deal with so much pain brought on by the aftermath of his upbringing and having his family divided. At times Thomas was very anti-LDS. Because of his negative sentiment (isn't this natural for someone whose been through so much) I felt like I had to defend my religion. I had to hold on I had to prove that it was correct. He did get over the most trying part and has always been extremely accepting of my choice. Even when other Gays questioned his friendship with a practicing LDS person he stood strong. Now that he is gone its like I've had time to examine what I held on to so strongly. I'm seeing it for what it is. Its like shopping I want the boots but I'm putting back the dress! I do believe there is something greater out there the looks over us. I've seen its power in my community. I do believe we have responsibilities and cant think it will do everything for us. I do belive in being a good persons and helping others. I believe in the power of prayer, its a fantastic way to calm oneself and know how to react to a tough situation. As far as the larger organization well Im done. I'm totally done.
I couldn't have done this without the support of my mother. She was there yesterday when I had had enough. She didn't scold me for not trying hard enough. She knew I had. She knew I had spent years lying to myself and that I couldn't anymore. It made me really happy that she was there for me and unlike my grandparents she didn't see me only as a vessel for missionary work. She saw me as more. She sees me as a real person, I think things through, I'm unique and have special needs, I have talents and I have feelings. I adore my mother and her ability to see when something hurts me, and that she can see my effort. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful Mother. A boyfriend/Fiance who is on the same page, and a best friend who loves me and allows me to make my own decisions.
My mother (and support circle) is really fantastic and I hope all those gay children out there with LDS families have a mother like mine. One who loves you for who you are.
M.E.T.
Although I have alot of negative qualities I really think of myself as a softie. I've written about different occasions or types of situations that I fall apart. Growing up I've learned alot about my sensitive nature. Its the empathy that really sets me apart from other sensitive people. It makes me upset that so many people go through hard situations that could have been prevented. A strange thing has occurred the more I learn about the correct way to treat people the farther apart I get from my LDS upbringings. Its almost as if my ability to be empathetic makes it so that new doctrine doesn't make sense. Its like Im not tough enough to be that mean. Isn't that odd?
Of course these thoughts are coming from the most recent General Conference. Twice a year I buckle down and try with all my might to get through this event. For the last 2 years its become increasingly difficult. Ive tried SO much to be part of this group. Mostly because the sentiment is "Either your with us or you against us. If you aren't it means you dont want to be with your family for eternity". AND I DO! I really really do want to be with my family FOREVER. This has been my ongoing problem. I love my family and I would do almost anything for them, but would I hate without reason? Would I support young children being mistreated from there parents because of their unique nature? Could I be happy knowing somewhere out there someone is hurting and never going to be with their family and I'm supporting that? Well no I really cannot do that.
Guilt has been a very large part of my life. Its plagued my teenage and adult life. Its sentiments like the one above that have always burdened me. If you watch a R-rated movie you can forget eternal life with you mother. If you hang out with those kids eventually you will swear that leads to drinking which leads to drugs and then no eternal life with your 5 siblings. Its weighed on me and I always felt I wasn't good enough to deserve my family.
Im afraid that my siblings will hate me when they return from their missions. I feel like they will think I didn't try hard enough. That I gave up on eternal life with them. I dont know how I will let them know how I feel. I am most worried for my brother who is just about to return. He has talked about trying to convert my older sister. I'm really upset that he wont accept us. Its like LDS people want everyone to be open minded about them but wont do the same for others. Ive missed him alot and send him packages at least once a month. Now I just dont know whats going to happen.
The problem is that I want to treat people with respect and love. No matter their race and lifestyle. I dont think people are less because of color or who they love. I dont think that it makes people a monster. And like the way I didn't choose which race I was going to be most people dont make the choice to be gay. I have known some flip-floppers but most dont choose. I hate the phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin." No. NONONONONO! Its so wrong! I am no longer going to feel guilty for god like love for "sinners". Im not going to feel guilty for being happy. Im not going to cry because I feel like a slut for wearing a tank top. Those things are very over. I dont want some teenager out there to feel the guilt I did for who they are. I dont want their parents to follow the words said yesterday. I dont want these kids to be thought as monsters and treated so.
I love going to church. I love my other Latin people. It makes sense why we are all there. We all need each other and we will all help one another. I do believe in alot of the principles of the LDS church like service, independence, preparation, God head, Joseph Smith, Word of Wisdom, the Book of Mormon is ok. I feel its a good thing to follow it makes sense. Beyond that I have problems. I just think man is naturally bad. Even if the church was correct from inception, from the point man had it, its been imperfect. This will sound terrible but as soon as more privileged people are introduced it falls apart for me. Even with revelation from God I have a hard time believing a old Caucasian male knows whats best for me. Or that his basis dont get in the way. And that is probably the most controversial statement in this whole thing. I do believe my ward bishop knows what we need. He knows where we are all coming from, he knows our struggles.
Recently my very best friend in the whole world, Thomas moved to Australia. Thomas is also from a LDS upbringings but came out of the closet before we met. I've seen him deal with so much pain brought on by the aftermath of his upbringing and having his family divided. At times Thomas was very anti-LDS. Because of his negative sentiment (isn't this natural for someone whose been through so much) I felt like I had to defend my religion. I had to hold on I had to prove that it was correct. He did get over the most trying part and has always been extremely accepting of my choice. Even when other Gays questioned his friendship with a practicing LDS person he stood strong. Now that he is gone its like I've had time to examine what I held on to so strongly. I'm seeing it for what it is. Its like shopping I want the boots but I'm putting back the dress! I do believe there is something greater out there the looks over us. I've seen its power in my community. I do believe we have responsibilities and cant think it will do everything for us. I do belive in being a good persons and helping others. I believe in the power of prayer, its a fantastic way to calm oneself and know how to react to a tough situation. As far as the larger organization well Im done. I'm totally done.
I couldn't have done this without the support of my mother. She was there yesterday when I had had enough. She didn't scold me for not trying hard enough. She knew I had. She knew I had spent years lying to myself and that I couldn't anymore. It made me really happy that she was there for me and unlike my grandparents she didn't see me only as a vessel for missionary work. She saw me as more. She sees me as a real person, I think things through, I'm unique and have special needs, I have talents and I have feelings. I adore my mother and her ability to see when something hurts me, and that she can see my effort. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful Mother. A boyfriend/Fiance who is on the same page, and a best friend who loves me and allows me to make my own decisions.
My mother (and support circle) is really fantastic and I hope all those gay children out there with LDS families have a mother like mine. One who loves you for who you are.
M.E.T.
Friday, September 17, 2010
9.17.10
Hello.
I just got the camera back from Greg on Wed. I did something stupid... I took the camera to a windy beach? Greg had to brush all the sand out of the camera. Oops. I really just wanted to show you that I have friends and actually do fun things on occasion. It was too windy to take photos so I failed on many levels.
I wish that I had photos to show you of the many projects I've recently worked on. I made a linen blouse and attached a silk top that I created to a skirt. Both items go together. I hope my friend Kathleen indeed enjoys both pieces.
I have also been at the Salt Lake Art Center seemingly non-stop. Yesterday was the final day of Contemporary Masters. I no longer have to worry about vacuuming mini golf holes, thank god. I hope that I will not be as stressed anymore and will actually be able to sleep now.
I've recently lost some weight. I am down almost 20 lbs. Almost! Of course looking at me you cant really tell. Which I have to admit is alittle upsetting. Once I've totally completed -20lbs, I will only be 10 lbs away from my goal weight. My fantasy weight is another 10lbs from my goal. I really do think I can do it! I think once Ive reached my goal it will be more noticeable, maybe. I have really tried to watch what I consume and when. I do a lot of low impact exercise. Like walking to work everyday, walking to the store, walking to walk. I also ride my bike to my other job. Running causes extreme hunger so I'm trying out the walking thing. SO far it works just fine. I hope that at my goal weight I will fit into the two dresses I've spoken about in the past.
Here is the project list in order of priorities
1. Create gown for "water week" art exhibition
2. Create props for SLAC videos
3. Finish sailor pants
4. Finish costume for dance video
5. Film/Edit dance video
6. Create fringe shorts.
I think that all of it. Hmm... I will keep you posted.
M.E.T
I just got the camera back from Greg on Wed. I did something stupid... I took the camera to a windy beach? Greg had to brush all the sand out of the camera. Oops. I really just wanted to show you that I have friends and actually do fun things on occasion. It was too windy to take photos so I failed on many levels.
I wish that I had photos to show you of the many projects I've recently worked on. I made a linen blouse and attached a silk top that I created to a skirt. Both items go together. I hope my friend Kathleen indeed enjoys both pieces.
I have also been at the Salt Lake Art Center seemingly non-stop. Yesterday was the final day of Contemporary Masters. I no longer have to worry about vacuuming mini golf holes, thank god. I hope that I will not be as stressed anymore and will actually be able to sleep now.
I've recently lost some weight. I am down almost 20 lbs. Almost! Of course looking at me you cant really tell. Which I have to admit is alittle upsetting. Once I've totally completed -20lbs, I will only be 10 lbs away from my goal weight. My fantasy weight is another 10lbs from my goal. I really do think I can do it! I think once Ive reached my goal it will be more noticeable, maybe. I have really tried to watch what I consume and when. I do a lot of low impact exercise. Like walking to work everyday, walking to the store, walking to walk. I also ride my bike to my other job. Running causes extreme hunger so I'm trying out the walking thing. SO far it works just fine. I hope that at my goal weight I will fit into the two dresses I've spoken about in the past.
Here is the project list in order of priorities
1. Create gown for "water week" art exhibition
2. Create props for SLAC videos
3. Finish sailor pants
4. Finish costume for dance video
5. Film/Edit dance video
6. Create fringe shorts.
I think that all of it. Hmm... I will keep you posted.
M.E.T
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
8.10.10
Things are just fine here. Doesn't Teanchum seem happy? Ever since the move he has been singing non-stop. I think he sort of misses Cleatis at times but overall is happy to be alone.
Having your own place is nothing short of amazing.
Top 10 Reasons Living Alone ROCKs!
1) Dishes never pile up and begin to mold!
2) Food obligation. Meaning because I know Im alone I eat things before they rot.
2) I cant put things wherever I WANT! The loveseat is now home to my stuffed animals!
3) The vision of my apartment doesn't have to be compromised. I have a huge cardboard reel that Im going to make something adorable out of! I can do what I want!
4) Walking around in underwear all the time!
5) Toilet paper rolls lasts 5x as long!
There is probably alot more but I think thats all I want to say for now. One of the things I really love about my apartment is, my closet. I finally put all my clothes away. Here it is.
Is it weird to spend alot of time just looking at your closet and smiling?
M.E.T.
Monday, August 9, 2010
8.9.10
Here is my Kayo box. I think its actually still there. Unfortunately I dont think it sold. OH WELL! I can just pick it up and put it in my new adorable house. Give me an honest opinion of what you think.
Remember its about the fascination I feel in subjects that I'm also scared of. So the eye mask makes it so I can watch movies. It has ear plugs and eyes so I looks like Im still watching!
M.E.T.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
8.3.10
Hey! Im 24 now. Thats weird for me to think because I still feel like Im 19. I still make mistakes like Im a young adult. I've got alot of maturing to do.
Here is one of the presents I received for my birthday. Greg bought me these Moschino Cheap and Chic flats. I adore them! They have a wonderful real leather smell. Im scared to wear them so I've been waiting for an appropriate occasion. They go perfectly with my Alexander McQueen dress!
Thoughts.
1) My younger brother has now left to go on his mission. My parents house is down to one child. Its totally bizarre. For once I want the unpleasant overcrowding.
2) I am a self described shy person. With my friends I am crazy loud but otherwise I usually hold back. Im trying to be more friendly but DAMN its hard. Sunday night I went to a concert by myself. The Zizek collective CAME TO UTAH! Just a block from my house.
The music was wonderful, it was amazing to have my type of music playing. Oh, and Argentinean DJs! CUTE HANDSOME MUSIC NERDS LATINO BOYS! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! If I had to say what my type of male is, I would say those DJs.
Then when more people started to dance, I let go. People cheered! They filmed me! I talked with one of the DJs. He said my Spanish was good which was sort of surprise. Sometime I really wish I could be more aggressive or promiscuous, but Im really not like that. Im really too guarded and interested in more then physicality. Honestly when I like someone I want to make them clothes and presents and then jump their bones, jkish. It was nice to feel even for a night that I fit in and that I found people like myself. Don't be surprised when you see me on their concert DVD.
p.s Yes Im still in a relationship and it may seem terrible for me to talk this way. We are taking a break in Sept or Oct. Its something we've both agreed on. After that experience I think I may actually be able to pull it off.
M.E.T.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
7.21.10
I don't know whats gotten into me, I adore pink right now. Middle school me would be so ashamed at what I've become. I have more pink in my closet then ever before, granted thats actually only like 2 dresses. I also have pink earrings that I need to stretch my ears for.When I saw this Gingham fabric at super sale I jumped. Yes, I know more Gingham. I really cant help myself Gingham is just the quintessential of cute. Here is the completed skirt for Greg's nieces bridal shower. I'm actually quite pleased with how it turned out. How could anyone NOT like it?
Last, last weekend we went to Gregs friends baby blessing. The paternal grandmother is what someone would called a crafter on speed. She knits 24/7 and always goes the extra mile. Honestly she is sort of scary. She made these amazing personalized cookies. OCD, no?
It seems like Greg's friends and family are all making those big life changes like kids, marriage, grandkids blablehblah. And my friends and family are doing that annoying thing where they leave. Its a weird time for myself and I just need to figure out what I'm doing.M.E.T.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
7.20.10
Alot has happened since last week. First of all the above photo is no longer the view from my bedroom window. My new view is far less picturesque. The new neighborhood I live in cannot compete with the beauty of the avenues. I now live close to everything and although its a totally different vibe here I have decided that I will create beauty instead of only witnessing it.
Thomas is now in Australia. Making friends, takin photos, eatin food. Here we are during his going away party. Its a strange composition but thats us, and thats his new tattoo.
Oh! Hey here it is!The new apartment. Maybe it doesn't translate in photos but its actually really cute. The way I've organized everything feels so homey. I don't have alot of open space like before, I really like that. Everything has this resounding feeling of "mine". I can move things wherever I want. I can put art and ceramics everywhere and no one moves it. There is no one to not understand that it decorative. Its GREAT! This place really does feel like my own special place. Its like my GIANT fort. I want to make it my imagination world. Toys hanging from the ceiling. Paper flowers around the entry way, just lovely.
M.E.T
Friday, July 9, 2010
7.12.10
Bah! Why is it when I say I wont post I want to. No photos just thoughts.
There are alot of stereotypes about modern artist, and artist scene people. Alot of people believe that artists are pretentious crazies who get alot of money to show us trash. Although this isn't always true there is a definite stigma toward modern artists from the general public. I believe that it is in part due to the fact that performance art has become more prevalent and even to me it can be boring and pointless. I feel like I see satire about performance art in almost every sort of pop culture outlet. Yes, its silly at times but I do believe it is important, even the really weird art literally made of trash and or urinals.
I am currently preparing an artwork for a local gallery fundraiser show. The gallery gives each artist a cigarbox and one can interpret it any way they wish. My box is a small light wood box with a beige front and gold and black along all the borders of the box. I really want this work to be eye catching and begin the ball rolling for other shows.
First Idea.
Initially my idea was to sew an outfit and put it in the box. The outside of the box would maintain the gold edging but in between it, I would paint the process of making the outfit.
Second Idea.
Ive become increasingly interested in the stories of the Beast of Genvuean. So much so that I wanted to create a shrine to the story. The outside being the same concept as before with the box maintaining the golden edges but inbetween painting depictions of the story. You know have people being mauled and the actual death of the animal. The inside would be as if you were looking at both the inside and outside of the animal. Fur and guts. Also with sewn pieces of people. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it would be difficult to make this not look too "crafty" or kitschy.
Third Idea.
I want to make and artwork about the Beast of Genevuean because whatever I'm interested in, at that moment tells about who I am as a person. I dont have to make a painting of the Mexican flag to tell you who I am. I like more subtle declarations about oneself. SO I'm into this story, I'm into it because I cant watch movies that are to scary or violent but I like to skirt around potentially scary things. Its very much how when your told you cant, one develops a fascination with the forbidden.
I am keeping the same concept but now I am painting the box, all but a label a thick uneven white. The outside will be hand drawn with pictures of the story. Simple, clean and straight forward. The inside is all Toile de Jouy.
There are parts that I cant describe and and that aren't completely settled. This project is a far departure from my other artwork that is more playful and having alot more fabric. I will for sure have some sewn elements but it will be different, new. This isn't my new style but I can be flexible I can do more then one "thing". I am extremely excited for this box and Im being to work on it. Its due the day before I move! Ee!
Like I've said Im doing some new things for this project that I usually wouldn't. One of my ideas has transformed me into an artist stereotype. Yes, its true I am actually harvesting my own hair.
Its always been the "MARCELA WAS HERE" trademark. Its everywhere, and finally I'm putting it to use. Its been fun to be on all fours sweeping up pieces of myself. Whenever I have to describe what the hell Im doing, I say this line all valley girl like.
"Its like for my art, O.K."
M.E.T.
There are alot of stereotypes about modern artist, and artist scene people. Alot of people believe that artists are pretentious crazies who get alot of money to show us trash. Although this isn't always true there is a definite stigma toward modern artists from the general public. I believe that it is in part due to the fact that performance art has become more prevalent and even to me it can be boring and pointless. I feel like I see satire about performance art in almost every sort of pop culture outlet. Yes, its silly at times but I do believe it is important, even the really weird art literally made of trash and or urinals.
I am currently preparing an artwork for a local gallery fundraiser show. The gallery gives each artist a cigarbox and one can interpret it any way they wish. My box is a small light wood box with a beige front and gold and black along all the borders of the box. I really want this work to be eye catching and begin the ball rolling for other shows.
First Idea.
Initially my idea was to sew an outfit and put it in the box. The outside of the box would maintain the gold edging but in between it, I would paint the process of making the outfit.
Second Idea.
Ive become increasingly interested in the stories of the Beast of Genvuean. So much so that I wanted to create a shrine to the story. The outside being the same concept as before with the box maintaining the golden edges but inbetween painting depictions of the story. You know have people being mauled and the actual death of the animal. The inside would be as if you were looking at both the inside and outside of the animal. Fur and guts. Also with sewn pieces of people. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it would be difficult to make this not look too "crafty" or kitschy.
Third Idea.
I want to make and artwork about the Beast of Genevuean because whatever I'm interested in, at that moment tells about who I am as a person. I dont have to make a painting of the Mexican flag to tell you who I am. I like more subtle declarations about oneself. SO I'm into this story, I'm into it because I cant watch movies that are to scary or violent but I like to skirt around potentially scary things. Its very much how when your told you cant, one develops a fascination with the forbidden.
I am keeping the same concept but now I am painting the box, all but a label a thick uneven white. The outside will be hand drawn with pictures of the story. Simple, clean and straight forward. The inside is all Toile de Jouy.
There are parts that I cant describe and and that aren't completely settled. This project is a far departure from my other artwork that is more playful and having alot more fabric. I will for sure have some sewn elements but it will be different, new. This isn't my new style but I can be flexible I can do more then one "thing". I am extremely excited for this box and Im being to work on it. Its due the day before I move! Ee!
Like I've said Im doing some new things for this project that I usually wouldn't. One of my ideas has transformed me into an artist stereotype. Yes, its true I am actually harvesting my own hair.
Its always been the "MARCELA WAS HERE" trademark. Its everywhere, and finally I'm putting it to use. Its been fun to be on all fours sweeping up pieces of myself. Whenever I have to describe what the hell Im doing, I say this line all valley girl like.
"Its like for my art, O.K."
M.E.T.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
7.8.10
Hello. I wont be blogging until the end of next week. I've got a whole lot of things to finish up before I MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am very excited. Also, Thomas my BFF is moving to Australia. I want to do a series of spots that I will miss from my old apt. I will continue blogging more regularly next week.
Until then.
M.E.T
Until then.
M.E.T
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