Era Ends.

Well...

Although I have alot of negative qualities I really think of myself as a softie. I've written about different occasions or types of situations that I fall apart. Growing up I've learned alot about my sensitive nature. Its the empathy that really sets me apart from other sensitive people. It makes me upset that so many people go through hard situations that could have been prevented. A strange thing has occurred the more I learn about the correct way to treat people the farther apart I get from my LDS upbringings. Its almost as if my ability to be empathetic makes it so that new doctrine doesn't make sense. Its like Im not tough enough to be that mean. Isn't that odd?

Of course these thoughts are coming from the most recent General Conference. Twice a year I buckle down and try with all my might to get through this event. For the last 2 years its become increasingly difficult. Ive tried SO much to be part of this group. Mostly because the sentiment is "Either your with us or you against us. If you aren't it means you dont want to be with your family for eternity". AND I DO! I really really do want to be with my family FOREVER. This has been my ongoing problem. I love my family and I would do almost anything for them, but would I hate without reason? Would I support young children being mistreated from there parents because of their unique nature? Could I be happy knowing somewhere out there someone is hurting and never going to be with their family and I'm supporting that? Well no I really cannot do that.

Guilt has been a very large part of my life. Its plagued my teenage and adult life. Its sentiments like the one above that have always burdened me. If you watch a R-rated movie you can forget eternal life with you mother. If you hang out with those kids eventually you will swear that leads to drinking which leads to drugs and then no eternal life with your 5 siblings. Its weighed on me and I always felt I wasn't good enough to deserve my family.

Im afraid that my siblings will hate me when they return from their missions. I feel like they will think I didn't try hard enough. That I gave up on eternal life with them. I dont know how I will let them know how I feel. I am most worried for my brother who is just about to return. He has talked about trying to convert my older sister. I'm really upset that he wont accept us. Its like LDS people want everyone to be open minded about them but wont do the same for others. Ive missed him alot and send him packages at least once a month. Now I just dont know whats going to happen.

The problem is that I want to treat people with respect and love. No matter their race and lifestyle. I dont think people are less because of color or who they love. I dont think that it makes people a monster. And like the way I didn't choose which race I was going to be most people dont make the choice to be gay. I have known some flip-floppers but most dont choose. I hate the phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin." No. NONONONONO! Its so wrong! I am no longer going to feel guilty for god like love for "sinners". Im not going to feel guilty for being happy. Im not going to cry because I feel like a slut for wearing a tank top. Those things are very over. I dont want some teenager out there to feel the guilt I did for who they are. I dont want their parents to follow the words said yesterday. I dont want these kids to be thought as monsters and treated so.

I love going to church. I love my other Latin people. It makes sense why we are all there. We all need each other and we will all help one another. I do believe in alot of the principles of the LDS church like service, independence, preparation, God head, Joseph Smith, Word of Wisdom, the Book of Mormon is ok. I feel its a good thing to follow it makes sense. Beyond that I have problems. I just think man is naturally bad. Even if the church was correct from inception, from the point man had it, its been imperfect. This will sound terrible but as soon as more privileged people are introduced it falls apart for me. Even with revelation from God I have a hard time believing a old Caucasian male knows whats best for me. Or that his basis dont get in the way. And that is probably the most controversial statement in this whole thing. I do believe my ward bishop knows what we need. He knows where we are all coming from, he knows our struggles.

Recently my very best friend in the whole world, Thomas moved to Australia. Thomas is also from a LDS upbringings but came out of the closet before we met. I've seen him deal with so much pain brought on by the aftermath of his upbringing and having his family divided. At times Thomas was very anti-LDS. Because of his negative sentiment (isn't this natural for someone whose been through so much) I felt like I had to defend my religion. I had to hold on I had to prove that it was correct. He did get over the most trying part and has always been extremely accepting of my choice. Even when other Gays questioned his friendship with a practicing LDS person he stood strong. Now that he is gone its like I've had time to examine what I held on to so strongly. I'm seeing it for what it is. Its like shopping I want the boots but I'm putting back the dress! I do believe there is something greater out there the looks over us. I've seen its power in my community. I do believe we have responsibilities and cant think it will do everything for us. I do belive in being a good persons and helping others. I believe in the power of prayer, its a fantastic way to calm oneself and know how to react to a tough situation. As far as the larger organization well Im done. I'm totally done.

I couldn't have done this without the support of my mother. She was there yesterday when I had had enough. She didn't scold me for not trying hard enough. She knew I had. She knew I had spent years lying to myself and that I couldn't anymore. It made me really happy that she was there for me and unlike my grandparents she didn't see me only as a vessel for missionary work. She saw me as more. She sees me as a real person, I think things through, I'm unique and have special needs, I have talents and I have feelings. I adore my mother and her ability to see when something hurts me, and that she can see my effort. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful Mother. A boyfriend/Fiance who is on the same page, and a best friend who loves me and allows me to make my own decisions.

My mother (and support circle) is really fantastic and I hope all those gay children out there with LDS families have a mother like mine. One who loves you for who you are.

M.E.T.