1.19.11

Many of my previous post have been about my struggle with what I perceive are the flaw of my body.


As of late I have began to rock climb again. This time around I've dedcided to have a more constructive mindset. Previously, whenever I failed a problem (climbing route) I became really embarrased and insecure because everyone else was better then me. I guess I thought that everyone would think less of me? This time around I continued to tell myself that it didn't matter how many problems I compeleted in one day, instead I just need to climb as much as possible so that I can build the needed muscle. Ive cultivated a healthy relationship with falling, instead of condemning myself for doing so. Sometimes I'm still embarrassed and I dont want to climb anymore, which is also ok. I dont have to feel guilty for giving up, I bring my running stuff and run instead. Climbing has become something I want to do, instead of a reminder of what I dont like about myself.

This overall mindset shift has helped me re-evaluate my body. I also started taking a modern dance class with a friend. I'm trying to find the right Yoga class to take. Also I took my bike out for a winter spin. I suddenly have a lot less negative things to think about myself.

Sometimes going to the gym makes you feel bad about yourself because everyone else is so pumped! Other times it makes you feel really great because well, everyones got issues. I really dont like my big belly and my chunky back, but that's really it. I have awesome legs, a really cute firm bum (really). My arms are fine. Everything is normal, and its good and it works.

12.17.10

I am having a sleepover with my cousins at my apartment tonight. The invitees consist of 10 males over the age 12. I like that we can still spend time together and do silly things like sleepovers. I'm quite happy, but already sleepy. I've been planning it via Facebook messaging. During this exchange one of my cousins has stood out as the crazy cake winner. The second one is the best. Read these really fast outloud to your co-workers.

Wait!!! (Gasp, Gasp, Gasp) Do you mean this week? I can come after work, but I will totally be there! Oh, and don't scare me like that again! I just got down playing silent hill just now, and I almost had a heart attack!!
That game scares the *BEEP* out of me!

Hmm. I will do that, although I don't know if my mom knows about that. I will ask her. Either way, I'm still scheduled to work, and my mom hasn't said anything else otherwise, so I think that it's safe to say that she hasn't heard. Oh! By the way, I don't remember mentioning it earlier, but I was planning to bring my laptop so that Greg can help me with an old game, but it seems that I gave fixed it on my own! You may or may not have seen the status update, but I thought that I should let you know, just in case I told you and you gave Greg the heads up. Yep, will definitely let her know!

What kind of Chips? Oh, and who wants to see Tron? I know I do! Just to see Daft Punk in it! Okay, and to see all of the cool stuff too.

Morales needs to bring their nunchucks! I'll bring mine, and then we can play red steel! Also, I'm bringing my laptop, whether there's wifi or not, so if that changes anybody's decision on what to bring, that is for you. I probably won't come till later, though.

Wait, is that number the apartment number, or cell?

Have a good weekend.

MET

12.6.10

Sometimes I would wish that I was the best dancer in the whole world. After placing the wish I realized it was sort of impossible to know if it occurred or not. I would actually have to try to do a double back flip to see if I was in fact amazing, but since I never try its hard to know. Maybe I am already the most amazing dancer but I guess you have to try to know. Also if the person or thing giving you the wish is fickle who knows how many times you have to try, what if there are stipulations like you have to practice. Then if you do become good was it because of the wish or you? Did you already have the potential to be the greatest dancer ever?

Now Ive decided though, that if its a wish that it has to be fantastical like in the movies. Instant gratification without and silly internalizing.

Christmas List - 2010

Number 1, WANT! See by Chloe Moccasins.

This is the number one thing I want. I will be happy if its the only thing I get. Otherwise I'm having a hard time knowing what I want. We need alot of things for the house so I think this the only me things Im going to DEMAND! Love cute marcela!


Number 2, Need. Apt things

I'm not sure what else I should ask for or quite frankly want. I never have a problem knowing what I want for myself but since Im newly married Im not sure if I really have the right to ask for anything else. SO things that Greg and I need.

A) We need 2 more of these shelves for the storage room.

B) Our clothes mostly fits but the one thing spilling over is sweaters. Something like this would be nice. Or maybe something really simple like this that we could paint or put paper over. Im not totally sure if I like this but maybe this could work. I really envisioned yellow, so a nice coat of paint may bring some fun!

C) Last time we went to Ikea we decided we would need some more counter space. We like this island cart thing.

D) Lastly, I would really like some local art to hang in our new apt. I would love to own something by Brian Kershisnik but that's probably not going to happen for a long while. I have alot of friends who I would like to own work from Paul Heath, Claire Taylor (I already have one small print), or really anyone's work I really liked.

Number 3, Frivolous Cheap Wants!

Its always good to want some inexpensive things, or always have a go-to gift. Like with me a person can ALWAY get me chocolate, I will be happy. Actually during this season its important to remember, I'm a child. I like candy, chocolate and toys. Simple! I enjoy ponies and farm theme toys. Currently Im really into Toy Story so you cant go wrong there either. Also who doesn't want a pair of these!




Yayyy! Presents!!!

Thank you, for enduring my post. OUT.

M.E.T

N.Y.C

The weekend of Halloween I headed to NYC. Ive wanted to go for a very long time but could never scrap up the funds or the guts to really do it. Until last month, I found round trip tickets from $150!!! Wahhooie! It was only for a weekend but that's still an excellent price. It was good enough bargain that I had to but my bed bug fears behind me and go!

For me NYC has always been a place of myth. Growing up in the SLC suburbs, going to NYC meant big business, you were basically rich. When I met more well-to-do kids I found out to them it was no big deal. I was always shocked that something I held so high was nothing to them. Ive visited twice before, both trips were actually "business trips". I was filming a documentary film with a partner the story took us to NYC. I remember those trips being like an ultimate blessing. My mother would brag about it! Now my film partner actually lives in Manhattan. She is one of my best friends. Im old enough to know what close friends really are. And she is in my top (Thomas, Anne, Ryan, Amanda, Cris, Brooke I just really like writing there names sorry) I think about her and miss her often. I decided to go to see her and also to have a trip alone before the whole marriage thing.


The trip there was well, terrible.


6am to Dallas/Forth Worth - Planes heating was broken we FROZE. Luckily I had a sweater and jacket, others were not as lucky.

12pmish to NYC - Everyone brought fast food on board, no big deal. The man behind me after eating like 4 pan pizza farted the whole flight. AWFUL! Then the woman beside me scratched her feet for the last half of the flight. I was having a hard time not freaking the fuck out. Imagine me scratching the plane walls trying to get away. The plane was full. Seat changes weren't possible, great.

The rest of the trip was amazing. Yes the city is fun, yea clothes and chocolate everywhere. Blahblahblabh, the best thing was the way I felt and who I was with. My friend Amanda lives with her boyfriend of about 4 years. They met in college and moved to NYC about a year ago on her insistence. I dont think Ive ever gotten along so well with a couple in my whole life. The whole time we laughed. Imagine montage of 3 people getting along amazingly in NYC fall, WE WERE THAT! We talked about things we've learned through out our short lives. It was like we were really living life as it was, just going going going and feeling young. We were still aware of reality. I felt like I knew who I was and what I was capable of and that I was happy in my evolving state. I felt like I knew exactly what I needed to do with my life. It was wonderful to feel like we were really doing something. It was as if we hung off one another words really listening and validating. Both of their college degrees were in film but only Drew works in film. Amanda works at a yoga studio. I think she felt a little bit down because she wasn't work in what she thought she should. Sometimes getting into the "path" mind set is BAD! Life is to try and taste everything. If you find yourself in a different field out of need sometimes its really best. One of my jobs I took out of necessity but because its in higher education I have now made it into my dream job. At times one just needs to wade the rough to find what you really want. Although it must be said that her job seemed really great. I do believe that it has the potential of doing the little flip mine has done.



I walked many of the streets at all different times of the day and night alone or in a group. I loved the city but it made me realize that were I lived was best for me. In a city so large its at time difficult to really decipher what is special. I saw clothing by the boat loads it was all nice, well made but I couldn't tell if it was worth it. I could only make one large purchase and it all look good but was it the one? In Utah its really easy to spot the special from everything else. I like that about here, I like the very local and home grown movement here. I think for now here in SLC is the right place for me.


I do miss it there. I think I miss the feeling I felt when I was with Amanda and Drew the most. I can tell that that feeling doesn't happen to often. Or with very many people. That was the special part.




M.E.T

Cold Feet

Yes. I'm getting married.

Truthfully it was only a matter of time until Greg and I tied the knot. From the first month we dated I was like, yup I'm going to marry this jerk, guy. I think I felt that way because from the beginning I could see there would never be a better suited partner. I'm sure most people in good relationships feel the same way where their partner fills their wedge issues. With Greg I felt a completion I thought to be unique. The very "second half" people joke about.

I was experiencing classic cold feet. I wrote a giant post about it and then I deleted it. The things that were worrying me cleared up when I realized that the reason I know he is the one is that those sentiments will never be an issue. Case closed, happy as a clam.


M.E.T

Era Ends.

Well...

Although I have alot of negative qualities I really think of myself as a softie. I've written about different occasions or types of situations that I fall apart. Growing up I've learned alot about my sensitive nature. Its the empathy that really sets me apart from other sensitive people. It makes me upset that so many people go through hard situations that could have been prevented. A strange thing has occurred the more I learn about the correct way to treat people the farther apart I get from my LDS upbringings. Its almost as if my ability to be empathetic makes it so that new doctrine doesn't make sense. Its like Im not tough enough to be that mean. Isn't that odd?

Of course these thoughts are coming from the most recent General Conference. Twice a year I buckle down and try with all my might to get through this event. For the last 2 years its become increasingly difficult. Ive tried SO much to be part of this group. Mostly because the sentiment is "Either your with us or you against us. If you aren't it means you dont want to be with your family for eternity". AND I DO! I really really do want to be with my family FOREVER. This has been my ongoing problem. I love my family and I would do almost anything for them, but would I hate without reason? Would I support young children being mistreated from there parents because of their unique nature? Could I be happy knowing somewhere out there someone is hurting and never going to be with their family and I'm supporting that? Well no I really cannot do that.

Guilt has been a very large part of my life. Its plagued my teenage and adult life. Its sentiments like the one above that have always burdened me. If you watch a R-rated movie you can forget eternal life with you mother. If you hang out with those kids eventually you will swear that leads to drinking which leads to drugs and then no eternal life with your 5 siblings. Its weighed on me and I always felt I wasn't good enough to deserve my family.

Im afraid that my siblings will hate me when they return from their missions. I feel like they will think I didn't try hard enough. That I gave up on eternal life with them. I dont know how I will let them know how I feel. I am most worried for my brother who is just about to return. He has talked about trying to convert my older sister. I'm really upset that he wont accept us. Its like LDS people want everyone to be open minded about them but wont do the same for others. Ive missed him alot and send him packages at least once a month. Now I just dont know whats going to happen.

The problem is that I want to treat people with respect and love. No matter their race and lifestyle. I dont think people are less because of color or who they love. I dont think that it makes people a monster. And like the way I didn't choose which race I was going to be most people dont make the choice to be gay. I have known some flip-floppers but most dont choose. I hate the phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin." No. NONONONONO! Its so wrong! I am no longer going to feel guilty for god like love for "sinners". Im not going to feel guilty for being happy. Im not going to cry because I feel like a slut for wearing a tank top. Those things are very over. I dont want some teenager out there to feel the guilt I did for who they are. I dont want their parents to follow the words said yesterday. I dont want these kids to be thought as monsters and treated so.

I love going to church. I love my other Latin people. It makes sense why we are all there. We all need each other and we will all help one another. I do believe in alot of the principles of the LDS church like service, independence, preparation, God head, Joseph Smith, Word of Wisdom, the Book of Mormon is ok. I feel its a good thing to follow it makes sense. Beyond that I have problems. I just think man is naturally bad. Even if the church was correct from inception, from the point man had it, its been imperfect. This will sound terrible but as soon as more privileged people are introduced it falls apart for me. Even with revelation from God I have a hard time believing a old Caucasian male knows whats best for me. Or that his basis dont get in the way. And that is probably the most controversial statement in this whole thing. I do believe my ward bishop knows what we need. He knows where we are all coming from, he knows our struggles.

Recently my very best friend in the whole world, Thomas moved to Australia. Thomas is also from a LDS upbringings but came out of the closet before we met. I've seen him deal with so much pain brought on by the aftermath of his upbringing and having his family divided. At times Thomas was very anti-LDS. Because of his negative sentiment (isn't this natural for someone whose been through so much) I felt like I had to defend my religion. I had to hold on I had to prove that it was correct. He did get over the most trying part and has always been extremely accepting of my choice. Even when other Gays questioned his friendship with a practicing LDS person he stood strong. Now that he is gone its like I've had time to examine what I held on to so strongly. I'm seeing it for what it is. Its like shopping I want the boots but I'm putting back the dress! I do believe there is something greater out there the looks over us. I've seen its power in my community. I do believe we have responsibilities and cant think it will do everything for us. I do belive in being a good persons and helping others. I believe in the power of prayer, its a fantastic way to calm oneself and know how to react to a tough situation. As far as the larger organization well Im done. I'm totally done.

I couldn't have done this without the support of my mother. She was there yesterday when I had had enough. She didn't scold me for not trying hard enough. She knew I had. She knew I had spent years lying to myself and that I couldn't anymore. It made me really happy that she was there for me and unlike my grandparents she didn't see me only as a vessel for missionary work. She saw me as more. She sees me as a real person, I think things through, I'm unique and have special needs, I have talents and I have feelings. I adore my mother and her ability to see when something hurts me, and that she can see my effort. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful Mother. A boyfriend/Fiance who is on the same page, and a best friend who loves me and allows me to make my own decisions.

My mother (and support circle) is really fantastic and I hope all those gay children out there with LDS families have a mother like mine. One who loves you for who you are.

M.E.T.

9.17.10

Hello.

I just got the camera back from Greg on Wed. I did something stupid... I took the camera to a windy beach? Greg had to brush all the sand out of the camera. Oops. I really just wanted to show you that I have friends and actually do fun things on occasion. It was too windy to take photos so I failed on many levels.

I wish that I had photos to show you of the many projects I've recently worked on. I made a linen blouse and attached a silk top that I created to a skirt. Both items go together. I hope my friend Kathleen indeed enjoys both pieces.

I have also been at the Salt Lake Art Center seemingly non-stop. Yesterday was the final day of Contemporary Masters. I no longer have to worry about vacuuming mini golf holes, thank god. I hope that I will not be as stressed anymore and will actually be able to sleep now.

I've recently lost some weight. I am down almost 20 lbs. Almost! Of course looking at me you cant really tell. Which I have to admit is alittle upsetting. Once I've totally completed -20lbs, I will only be 10 lbs away from my goal weight. My fantasy weight is another 10lbs from my goal. I really do think I can do it! I think once Ive reached my goal it will be more noticeable, maybe. I have really tried to watch what I consume and when. I do a lot of low impact exercise. Like walking to work everyday, walking to the store, walking to walk. I also ride my bike to my other job. Running causes extreme hunger so I'm trying out the walking thing. SO far it works just fine. I hope that at my goal weight I will fit into the two dresses I've spoken about in the past.

Here is the project list in order of priorities

1. Create gown for "water week" art exhibition
2. Create props for SLAC videos
3. Finish sailor pants
4. Finish costume for dance video
5. Film/Edit dance video
6. Create fringe shorts.

I think that all of it. Hmm... I will keep you posted.

M.E.T

8.10.10

Things are just fine here. Doesn't Teanchum seem happy? Ever since the move he has been singing non-stop. I think he sort of misses Cleatis at times but overall is happy to be alone.

Having your own place is nothing short of amazing.

Top 10 Reasons Living Alone ROCKs!

1) Dishes never pile up and begin to mold!

2) Food obligation. Meaning because I know Im alone I eat things before they rot.

2) I cant put things wherever I WANT! The loveseat is now home to my stuffed animals!

3) The vision of my apartment doesn't have to be compromised. I have a huge cardboard reel that Im going to make something adorable out of! I can do what I want!

4) Walking around in underwear all the time!

5) Toilet paper rolls lasts 5x as long!

There is probably alot more but I think thats all I want to say for now. One of the things I really love about my apartment is, my closet. I finally put all my clothes away. Here it is.

Is it weird to spend alot of time just looking at your closet and smiling?

M.E.T.

8.9.10

Here is my Kayo box. I think its actually still there. Unfortunately I dont think it sold. OH WELL! I can just pick it up and put it in my new adorable house. Give me an honest opinion of what you think.



Remember its about the fascination I feel in subjects that I'm also scared of. So the eye mask makes it so I can watch movies. It has ear plugs and eyes so I looks like Im still watching!



M.E.T.

8.3.10

Hey! Im 24 now. Thats weird for me to think because I still feel like Im 19. I still make mistakes like Im a young adult. I've got alot of maturing to do.

Here is one of the presents I received for my birthday. Greg bought me these Moschino Cheap and Chic flats. I adore them! They have a wonderful real leather smell. Im scared to wear them so I've been waiting for an appropriate occasion. They go perfectly with my Alexander McQueen dress!

Thoughts.

1) My younger brother has now left to go on his mission. My parents house is down to one child. Its totally bizarre. For once I want the unpleasant overcrowding.

2) I am a self described shy person. With my friends I am crazy loud but otherwise I usually hold back. Im trying to be more friendly but DAMN its hard. Sunday night I went to a concert by myself. The Zizek collective CAME TO UTAH! Just a block from my house.

The music was wonderful, it was amazing to have my type of music playing. Oh, and Argentinean DJs! CUTE HANDSOME MUSIC NERDS LATINO BOYS! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! If I had to say what my type of male is, I would say those DJs.

Then when more people started to dance, I let go. People cheered! They filmed me! I talked with one of the DJs. He said my Spanish was good which was sort of surprise. Sometime I really wish I could be more aggressive or promiscuous, but Im really not like that. Im really too guarded and interested in more then physicality. Honestly when I like someone I want to make them clothes and presents and then jump their bones, jkish. It was nice to feel even for a night that I fit in and that I found people like myself. Don't be surprised when you see me on their concert DVD.

p.s Yes Im still in a relationship and it may seem terrible for me to talk this way. We are taking a break in Sept or Oct. Its something we've both agreed on. After that experience I think I may actually be able to pull it off.

M.E.T.