2.8.10

I like Sundays, I can take a nap during the day. It feels so nice at the time but Ive become the type of sleeper who only gets an allotted time. Meaning if I spend three hours napping (I know way too long) then when its time to sleep those 3 hours can be subtracted because I wont fall asleep until they are.

I started this blog as a sort of journal. I have been careful about who I've told about it so I could write about more private moments and thoughts. Now Im not really sure what I want for this blog. I don't know if I want lots of followers or just my close friends or a really private blog just to vent. I haven't decided, sometimes I want to write about the silly/annoying things my friends do but then I realize that they are the only faithful readers. They are the only people who really care, so its a toss up.

Lately I have been feeling very stable about my "Career". I'm working on several interesting projects that Im really proud of. For the first time ever I am less intrested in teaching, which always was my favorite job,. Now I'm more focused on the UUSS and the art center. I finally feel like all my work is actually my career and not random jobs. Although at times I seem very scatterbrained with what my work interests are, I am noticing more and more that they can all apply to each other. They all relate. I really feel like Im making a different, in my life and in the organizations I work for. All my friends my age have long ago finished college. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I haven't taken that road and I dont know when I will get to college. I dont think my time not going to college was wasted . No matter what one does with their time I think they have to enjoy it, and be working for a greater goal. I don't believe in doing things because "you have to" or because someone told you to. I also dont like to torture myself, yes sometimes its fun to be a victim but not to the point where your doing something you hate. The moment I got out of high school forcing myself to do things I didn't want to went straight out the door. Now I do what I want for the better or worse.

Last night I finished reading a memoir about a child growing up in extreme poverty. As I layed in bed I looked up at my ceiling of my room, the lights were off, the windows allowed minimal lighting. I began to think about the ceiling being quite high and how high ceilings is really in for rich people. I thought the room itself was actually quite large and nice. The walls were clean, the floors a mid colored wood. Then I began to think about all the things in my room. There is clothes scattered all over my floor, hanging from my bookshelf and dresser. I have jewels and tulle bursting out of a bag on the floor. There are bits and bobs from craft projects in every corner. Each thing in my room I had bought. I had bought those things with my own money. Yes there were things that had been gifted to me by Greg, Thomas and my family, but overall all those things that were taking over my space I had bought with money that I had earned. I always am thinking about what I will buy next, sometimes I get sad because Im not as wealthy as I would like to be. Last night I realized I was doing well enough to be sort of a packrat/ hoarder. I realized that while other people are struggling to survive I had my own room with acceptably high ceiling. Yes, me, me without the college degree, I have my own place that I maintain and I never have to worry where me and my things are going to live. I always have something to eat or a friend to lean on and things are ok. There's nothing like know your doing ok in life because of all the junk filling up your space.

M.E.T